Choices Read online

  We pull up to the baseball fields and he parks the car. “Do you want to eat in here or out there on the ground?” I don’t really want to eat anything.

  “Out there is fine. We can sit by the stands or in the grass.” He kills the engine and gets out, carrying our drinks. He walks over to my side and opens my door. Do I have to tell him?

  “Thanks.” I say. We walk to the stands and he sits down right on the ground. I follow suit. It’s not like I will be able to do this after a few months, well depending how big I get. As little as I’m eating, I probably won’t gain a whole lot. That can’t be good for the baby though. Shit!

  “So tell me, what did you want to talk about?” Oh no not yet.

  “Um, you first. Or we can eat then talk.”

  “Yeah, good idea. It’s not polite to talk with your mouthful.” Says the King of mouthful talking.

  We eat in silence. Or I watch him eat and I pick at my food. He asks me why I’m not eating and I just tell him I’m not really hungry but will take it home for later. That’s a total lie by the way, I’m starving. But I just know this is not a conversation to have after having eaten something. It would be nice to be over paranoid though, maybe I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion and he is totally excited about the news. Or it can go to shit like I can see happening. I look at the ground and play with the dirt to keep my mind occupied and my hands busy so they’re not sweating.

  “Are you okay? You seem distracted tonight.” I look up at him and see his dark eyes twinkling in the light. They are nice to look at. He’s got thin, dark eyebrows I wished I had. Mine are dark but need to be waxed. His are perfect. His dark blonde hair is slicked back, well it’s short but there are strands that fall to the side of his face. I always liked running my fingers through them. I quit picking at the dirt and take his hand in mine. I can feel tears at the edge of my eyes. I will not cry! I will not cry! I repeat over and over again in my head.

  “Dance with me.” I say as I stand up.

  “There’s no music.” He replies, though he takes my hand. “Baby, are you okay? You look sick.” Just shut up and dance with me before I fall apart. It might be our last dance.

  We stand up and he slips his arms around my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck. Thank God I didn’t stay too short, taking after my father. We start to sway to nothing but our imaginary music. He lowers his head toward mine and leans in. I savor the moment while I have it. I feel his lips on mine and they move in sync. His hands are on my back, and then he cups my face with one hand and kisses me passionately. Our tongues move side by side, happy to be united. I groan a little. It feels so good. He stops kissing me, and we go back to swaying. He smiles at me. I try to catch my breath.

  “So guess what Gracie?” He asks his eyes are closed now. I memorize his jaw line, the curve of his mouth, every contour and feature on his face.

  “Mmm?” I say, lost in the moment. I love watching him when he’s not looking.

  “I found a house, on the beach. I am talking to the owner who is leasing it. It’s perfect. I think you’ll love it.” I open my eyes and he’s smiling from ear to ear. The moment is lost.

  “I’m pregnant.” He drops his hands to his side and takes a step back. I should have expected this. I want to puke.

  “I have an appointment to meet them. I figured living on campus would suck and I know you want to live by the beach.” I’m tuning him out. Didn’t he just hear what I said and yet he keeps going on and on about this. I see realization set in finally, and his eyes widen. “Wait, what?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Chapter 5

  “How did this happen?” Nick is pacing furiously. He did not take the news well. My legs are shaking nervously. Thank God no one is here to listen to him yell. That was one of the reasons I’m glad he suggested this place. Delivering news this big is not for a busy public restaurant or area.

  I meet his gaze, there’s no doubt anger is all over his face. Does he seriously think I wanted this?

  “Well?” He repeats with malice. Now, it’s my turn to be angry.

  “Really Nick? It takes two to get pregnant. We obviously weren’t careful so don’t you dare act like this is my fault.” I see a muscle in his jaw twitch. He sits down on the ground, shaking his head.

  “I can’t have a baby Gracie. I’m going to college with a scholarship. My future is just within reach and I just picked out a good place for us. I can’t throw it all away. I can’t think about something like this now.” He faces me; the anger fading replaced by…fear? Disappointment? I can’t tell. I sit down beside him; fold my hands in my lap. I’m on the verge of tears, again. How did life change so quickly? We used to sit here a lot in our time together. It’s actually where we first became a couple in middle school, watching a baseball game. We were friends first, for a long time and I never knew he liked me. He made it clear that night he wanted more than friendship. He always gave me butterflies. I thought he was bluffing when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

  “Who are you talking to?” I asked as we sat in the stands and watched some friends kick ass and take names. He pointed at me, and like an idiot I looked around trying to find the one who stole his heart, even though at that age it’s hard to steal someone’s heart. “You silly. I want to date you.” I looked back at him and laughed. Yeah, stupid I know. I just didn’t see why he liked me. I wasn’t anything special. I was a little short with brown mousey hair and stupid brown eyes. I wish I had blue eyes sometimes. Or green at least. He touched my arm and I flinched. “You are very pretty and sweet. Is it hard to believe that I might like someone like you, just because you’re not a cheerleader?” Yes. I wanted to say. Instead, I just sat there, stunned but a little excited too. It was a long time ago. “Come on, Gracie we’ve known each other long enough. I thought my flirting was obvious. Let’s give it a try.”

  Now we sit here with a future that is so uncertain but about to be changed forever. What is he saying?

  “Nick this was unexpected. I freaked when I found out. I’m scared and I know there are going to be so many changes.” He stands up abruptly. I whip my head up to get a good look at his face.

  “So what, are you going to actually have this baby?” He asks surprised. I stand up, only inches from him. He’s taller than me still, a good foot maybe. I narrow my eyes, trying to calm my nerves.

  “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?” Even though I know what his answer is, it seems to be what everyone would do. Not me.

  “You can have an abortion. Plenty of girls do that, especially in high school.” I gasp at his words. It hasn’t been said out loud, thought yes but not said. It sounds like a dirty sick word. My lips quiver. I’m not like those girls and I refuse to be. In some cases, an abortion is okay. But I despise those that use it as a birth control.

  “I. Will. Not. Do. It.” I say every word slowly, deliberately. He steps back from me.

  “I can’t have a baby Grace. I’ve got a future to think about.” I step in his personal space and cross my arms. “And I don’t? Jesus, can you be any more selfish? You’re not the only person this is affecting Nick.” Even though he’s worked hard for this. I scream at myself for being lenient with him. It’s his problem too.

  “So then fix it. We can think about kids when we’re a little older and have lived our dreams.” He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. I close my eyes for a minute and enjoy being with him like this again. I love him. I don’t want to lose him. This is such a hard decision for any girl my age. I can’t imagine how my mother felt. But my father never made her choose.

  I take a step back and his hands drop to his sides. “I can’t Nick. It’s murder. Could you really live with yourself if I “took care” of it that way? Because I couldn’t.”

  “It’s a fetus, not a baby yet. It’s so small, it wouldn’t matter.” My ears are burning and tears are spilling over my cheeks. I see where this is headed. I can’t hear any more of this. I start to turn away. I get a
sharp pain and he sees me grab my stomach in pain.

  “Are you okay? Is it the baby? See, what’s happening to you. You can end this.” I wince and glare at him. The only thing I am ending is this conversation.

  “No, the baby isn’t doing this; you are by putting stress on me. I’m not having an abortion, so get that out of your head.” Maybe he would man up if I gave him an ultimatum.

  “I’m having a baby now, Nick. Well not now, but months from now. You can either face your responsibility, go through this with me or you can leave. The choice is yours.” But is it really just his choice? It should be just as much his as it is mine. He backs away holding his hands out and my stomach drops. Please no. Don’t go. I want him to stay, to help me and support me, not to leave me.

  “I’m sorry Gracie, I can’t. I love you. But you’ll have to do this alone. I’m sorry.” He walks away, leaving me open mouthed, speechless, scared and alone.

  “Nick, please!” I scream. “Don’t leave me.”

  I’m still holding my stomach in pain.

  I drop to my knees, trying to catch my breath. I’m alone and I’m pregnant. What a great senior year from Hell. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life.

  I need Meg. I fish my phone out of my purse through fierce tears and call her.

  “Hello?” I sob into the phone and incoherently tell her what just happened.

  “Gracie? What’s wrong? I can’t understand you.” I take a deep, choked breath and slowly speak.

  “I need you. I told Nick and he left me. I’m alone Meg, please come get me.”

  “Oh my God Gracie. Okay, where are you?” I tell her the baseball fields, knowing she knows which one I’m speaking of.

  “Okay, I’ll be there.” I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs, feeling a slight chill that has nothing to do with the weather.

  “I’m sorry Gracie. At least your mom is totally accepting and supportive.” We are lying on Meg’s bed. After she picked me up and I cried on her shoulder for a little while, we went out for some ice cream because ice cream always cures a broken heart. Not that I’ve had that many, but I’ve had enough to know that it does help-at least for a little while.

  “That’s because she’s been through this herself. She knows what it’s like to have her world turned upside down.” I roll on my side, prop myself up on my elbow and face her. “I mean what did I expect? I couldn’t have actually thought that telling him would go very well. He’s still in high school and has a bright future ahead of him. Having a baby would destroy everything he’s worked hard for.” She sits up and crosses her legs.

  “Gracie, he’s a fool and he’s going to see what a mistake he’s made. Trust me.”

  “Or I’m going to see what a mistake I’m making.” She narrows her eyes at me, shaking her head firmly.

  “Don’t say that. You’re going to be fine. Someone is going to come along and appreciate you and love you no matter what you go through in life.” I interrupt her with my hand and sit up across from her.

  “Meg, what the hell are you talking about? I’m not looking for anyone. A relationship is the last thing I need. I just got dumped by one guy; I think my heart has had enough.” And if she thinks a guy is really going to want to date a pregnant seventeen year old girl, she’s sadly mistaken.

  “I’m just saying, just because Nick broke your heart doesn’t mean they are all selfish pricks.” Good for them, I’m not interested. It’s pointless to argue though, so I just nod.

  At home, things are a little normal I suppose. My father is coming around. He is not surprised that Nick left me. Most guys would. It’s definitely the relationship breaker. I decided to get over it, best I could. I wrote in my journal too. Oh boy, it was pretty intense stuff. I was blunt and cursed a lot. But I have to admit, getting it all out there, all of my feelings was a relief. I think it’s really helping, like therapy except I don’t have to hear someone tell me I’m being stupid or irrational or that I whine too much, though the last one is quite accurate. I won’t cry over him anymore. I cried enough. One day, he’ll regret leaving us.

  Us. Oh my God, am I actually doing this? Yep, I’m having a baby!

  Chapter 6

  “Okay, seriously you’re going to be great.” My mother tells me as we’re driving to my first doctor’s appointment. I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? Oh yeah, because I’m only having a baby.

  “I guess. You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to.”

  “Oh nonsense. It’s no trouble at all. I want to know how you’re doing. I know its nerve wracking. You’re not doing this alone. I’ll be there every step of the way.” I smile as I look out the window at the passing cars. I was hoping she’d insist. It will be nice to have her by my side during these appointments. I have no clue what I’m doing, so it might help.

  We get to the big brown building that has a sign saying Dallas OBGYN & Associates on the front and my heart rate speeds up. Calm down Gracie; don’t upset the baby. I tell myself even though it can’t really be affected just yet since it’s so small, like a jelly bean. My mom parks the car and looks at me.

  “You ready to do this?” I look at her and the right side of my top lip raises a smidge.

  “Well, I guess I don’t have a choice.” She shuts off the engine and caresses my right cheek. “That’s the spirit. You’re going to be fine.” Then she gets out and after a few deep breaths, I do the same and we walk in.

  We walk through the double doors and into the elevator to the second floor. When we step out of the elevator, we turn right and walk down the hall a few steps and the office is on the right hand side. I open the door and get hit with a blast of cold air. Damn, I should have dressed warmer. I’m wearing a tank top and jeans, even though it’s end of September. It’s not really cold outside yet. Texas weather is fickle, but winter doesn’t come until November or later.

  I see a few females in the office, one being probably nine months I would guess. She looks like she’s about to pop. The other girl looks my age, maybe a couple years older. I walk up to the desk and a lady with long black hair and glasses greets me.

  “Hello, can I help you?” I smile politely.

  “Hi, I’m Gracie Jordan. I have an appointment today with Dr. Banks.” She hands me a clipboard with some forms to fill out.

  “Take these, fill them out, and return when you’re done.” I tell her thanks and take the clipboard from her and find a seat by the window. My mother sits down beside me. I stare at the form in front of me, unsure what to do with them. That’s a lot of information to fill out. Soon the clipboard is snatched from my lap as my mother takes it from me.

  “What are you doing?” I ask her, dumbfounded.

  “I’ll fill these out for you since you’re on my insurance. Besides you don’t look like you’re ready to sign your life away just yet.” She teases, bumping my arm playfully.

  “Hardy har har.” I say. But I don’t argue. The room is quiet. I grab a magazine from the table and try to focus my mind elsewhere.

  “So, I hope Nick has fun regretting his future plans.” My mom catches me off-guard. So much for the distraction.

  “Leave it alone mom. He’s worked hard for this. I’d hate to be the one who took it away.” She pauses and looks at me, pressing her lips together.

  “Well, what about you? This was a surprise to you too. What if you had these big plans for the future, I mean he can’t be so selfish.”

  “Well, then he’d tell me to get rid of the baby so I can have whatever plans I was going for. It’s no different. Really, just drop it. High school guys are not dependable. It’s always about them and what they want.”

  She nods and returns to the forms. “You got that right.” I ignore her and return to the magazine, which I have no idea what I’m even reading. My phone rings. Crap! I forgot to turn it off before we came in here. I look at the flashing screen and answer when I see Meg’s number.

  “Hey Meg.” I whisper.

  “
Why are you talking so low?” She asks. I glance at the lady at the desk, she looks annoyed.

  “Sorry, I’m at my doctor’s appointment.”

  “Oh shit, I’m sorry! I totally forgot. Call me later babe. Kisses.” And she hangs up before I can tell her bye. I look at my phone, dumbstruck but shut it off and stick it in my purse.

  “Who was that?” I give her a funny look. Did she not hear me say “Hey Meg?”

  “Oh, you know just my secret boyfriend.” She keeps her eyes on the forms but mumbles a ‘yeah right’ where I can hear it.

  “Did you not hear me say “Hey Meg” mom? You were sitting right next to me.” She shakes her head.

  “I’m sorry, I was busy filling out your forms and I guess I tuned everything else out.” Obviously. I sit back in my chair and lean my head against the wall.

  Thwap! I feel a clipboard to the shoulder.

  “Ouch! What the hell was that for?” I shout at my mother.

  “I’m done. You can give this to the pleasant office lady now.” She smirks. I get up and hand the nice annoyed lady the clipboard. She takes it gratefully with a fake smile. Why are office people such snobs? Maybe she just hates her job.

  “Go have a seat. The nurse will be in shortly to get you.” My mother smiles at me the same time I glare at her.

  “Sorry, honey did I hurt you?” One of the ladies that were in here when we walked in is called to the back. I take my seat.

  “What did Meg say?”

  “Not much. She forgot I had an appointment today. She told me to call her later then hung up on me.”

  “Gracie Jordan.” A sweet blond girl enters the room, calling my name. I stand up with my mom by my side. We walk toward her.

  “Hi, how are you today?” She asks sweetly.

  “Good thanks.” I think. Just think of this as a regular checkup. I tell myself. Don’t be nervous. She weighs me and gets my height.

  A half hour later, my doctor walks into the room. She’s a middle aged woman with short black hair and a sweet smile.