Before You Read online

  “At least you can admit it,” he says.

  Rich comes up behind Kenny, putting a hand on his shoulder in comradery and then gives me a subtle nod. “What’s up Davis?” His tone is condescending and his smirk is arrogant. “How’s life on the outside of sports?” He laughs as if he told the funniest joke. He likes to make me feel low. Can’t let him.

  My eyes narrow. “How’s life on the outside of sex?” I bite out with equal arrogance. Rich is a douchebag, worse than Greg. He’s a quarterback for the football team, like Greg. But unlike Greg, he doesn’t get as much play…as in pussy. And he’s bitter about it. He’s all talk. He’s also the cousin of one of my childhood friends, Marcus, back in Texas. We didn’t get along even back then. At least Marcus has a better disposition. Well, I hope he still does. I lost touch with him the same time I lost touch with Addie. Still, Rich is all talk and loves to taunt me until I snap. I think it gives him a sense of sick satisfaction, but I won’t let him get to me. He’s not worth my time or thoughts…along with my father.

  The kitchen seems to get crowded all of a sudden, as more people are taking notice of our altercation. I didn’t come here to get into a fight. If that were the case, I would’ve stayed home, and I certainly don’t feel like wasting another minute on some asshole I don’t give a shit about. I tip my beer in his direction as a sign of cheers as I take a quick swig before shoving through bodies and step outside on the back porch. I see people I know in the pool, including Brent and Shelly. Greg is nearby, too.

  Brent spots me, throwing his arms out wide in celebration. “You made it,” He approaches me, bumping his fist against mine, as I take a seat on one of the lawn chairs. Once he sets his beer down on a table, he walks to the edge of the pool and dives in. He pokes his head up from the water soon after, shaking his head and smoothing his hair out of his eyes, nodding to me. “You should join us, the water’s nice.”

  I wave a hand, light a cigarette, and recline backward. “I’m good right here,” I say as I watch Shelly chat with her friends. She says something and they all look at me. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad or what, but it makes me uneasy knowing I’m the topic of conversation when I’m sitting right here. At least they could be more discreet. I just sit back and watch them while thinking about the text from Addie. I don’t even hear Brent get out of the pool to sit beside me until he says…

  “You all right?”

  Mutely, I shake my head no, because, what would be the point of lying to him? He knows what my father’s like…especially toward him. My dad’s a racist and Brent is black, so bringing home my new friend of that color doesn’t paint a nice picture for introductions. And he certainly didn’t hold back from telling Brent what he thought of him. It was years ago and I can’t remember what all spewed from his mouth, I just know I was dumbstruck and embarrassed. Luckily, Brent never held it against me. He always had my back, which is why I’ve confided in him about Addie and the feelings that had developed that summer two years ago. He’s the only one who knows about her because I trust him not to make some douchebag comments like Greg would. He’d let it slip in front of Rich, who would then tell Marcus and God knows he can’t keep a secret.

  I lift the phone up from my lap in front of me. “I got a text tonight,” I finally say when I peel my gaze from the girls, now pretending to be mermaids, and settle them on my friend.

  His eyebrows shoot up and eyes roam about his face as if trying to decipher the meaning of that statement. But I can see the moment realization dawns on him and he leans back in his chair. “I’m guessing you mean from Texas?”

  I nod.

  He sits up straighter now, intrigued. “What’d she say?”

  I scratch my chin and with a sigh, I scroll through my messages until it lands on hers, and then hand it to him to read. Facing forward, I keep an eye on Shelly to make sure she’s still occupied; otherwise, she’ll want to know what we’re talking about…all secretive like. She can be pretty nosy. And this topic isn’t one to make her at all warm and fuzzy inside. I’d rather not the lectures.

  Brent’s still reading the message, probably over and over again since it’s not that long, and shakes his head. “Damn,” he says as he hands it back. “What are you gonna do?”

  I shrug, “I don’t know. I just…” I run a hand through my hair, feeling conflicted. “I don’t know.”

  My friend releases a breath of exasperation, turning in the chair sideways to face me. He leans forward with his elbows propped on his knees. “You know what I think?” He raises a brow, resting his chin on his folded hands.

  “Do I want to know?”

  He shrugs. And part of me has a feeling I know what he’s about to say. I just wait for him to talk. “You need to quit being a coward and face her.” I start to protest, but he puts a hand in the air to silence my thoughts. “It sounds like she needs you, Ky. And I’ll do what I can to help.”

  “Why?” I’m not sure what I’m referring to when I asked that. Why does he wanna help or why should I face her? Maybe both. I stare at my phone, at the screen displayed with a photo I’m always memorizing.

  He leans enough to pat my shoulder. “Because you’re a good guy, despite having a dick for a father. You care about this girl and she needs someone.” I let his words sink in, still feeling so torn. “And like I said, I’ll help in any way I can.”

  Before I can come up with another reply, Shelly jumps on me, all wet. “Come swim.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me, and I’ve forgotten Brent is beside us. I doubt he’d like a show of us making out. I pull away in time to catch her pout. “Come on, the water is great.”

  She gets off of me and reaches for my hand. I exchange a look with Brent, but he just shrugs—he’s no help at all. Not when it comes to her. He likes her enough but feels she’s too needy. I meet her expectant gaze and sigh. “All right, let me get changed.” I shoo her away, giving one last glance to the picture of Addie and me at the beach before exiting out of my phone and putting it back in the side pocket of my cargo shorts. I grab my swim trunks and hide behind the bushes to change.

  Of course, Shelly follows me. She’s like my fucking shadow. She leans her body against me, enticingly so. “We could have a quickie.” She tugs my shorts down. “Here”—her hand reaches for my cock, but I push it away with a shake of my head—”no one will bother us.” She kisses my neck, reaching again.

  She’s persistent and it’s annoying right now. I turn away from her. “Shelly, stop,” I growl. “This isn’t the place to fuck.” I back away from her so I can pull my shorts down to my feet and step out of them. Quickly replacing them with my trunks, I try to keep my balance without getting poked by the bush behind me. I’d feel better if she waited in the pool, but this girl is a nympho. And, of course, I love sex…need it…crave it and very rarely turn it down when it’s right in front of me. But I do have some standards. I place the fabric on my hips and straighten. “Now”—I gather my shorts and the shirt I discarded and nod my head—“’let’s go swimming.”

  The pool is crowded now and I’m on my third beer. Some I notice are making out and probably almost on the verge of sex in the water while others, like myself, are playing volleyball. Just without the net. The pool is long and six feet deep. We’re on teams, which, of course, Greg decided to invite himself in the game. I’m biting my tongue, although if I keep drinking, isn’t going to work much longer. I don’t want to cause trouble for Brent, but if Greg keeps his antics up, I won’t have control over what’s slipping out. Jeff and Randy have shown up, too. I’m just waiting for a fight to break out.

  Shelly spikes the ball, one of the other guys hits it toward me, and I get it over the imaginary line without anyone getting to it. Brent and Shelly cheer and I just smile at the other team. One couple in the corner of the pool, I noticed, has been macking on each other for so long I’m surprised their lips aren’t swollen. If they’d come up for air, I’d probably see the proof.

  After twenty more minutes, I�
�m done. I don’t even like volleyball. And definitely not when I’m playing with a bunch of assholes—it makes the game less exciting. I pull myself out of the pool but twist my body so I’m sitting on the edge with my feet dangling in the water. I watch the game continue without me, taking a sip of my beer.

  “Man, you sure like sitting on the outside, don’t you?”

  I glare up at Rich, grinding my teeth together in annoyance. “You sure like to run your mouth a lot,” I spit back, “’don’t you?”

  He crosses his arms, unperturbed. His eyes scanning the pool. Nodding his head, he asks, “What does Shelly see in you?” If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was jealous. And since I do know him well enough, I know it’s true. He’s pissed she turned him down last year and now he’s trying to act nonchalant about it, but he’s totally jealous and it makes me laugh to myself.

  I flash him a grin, tipping my bottle back for a long swig before saying, “More than she saw in you.” Before Shelly and I became fuck buddies, I had slept with a few girls on the cheerleading squad, not that I’m proud of my shameless player ways. Those weren’t my best days at all, given the fact I almost failed sophomore year because of skipping so much school. My home life had gradually gotten worse and when I had bruises developing from my father, I didn’t want to be asked any questions. So I turned to drugs for years and became reckless. Girls had become a hobby, so to speak.

  It was only until late last year when I was in juvie for a month that I realized the path I was on. My uncle bailed me out, but not without some choice words about ending up like my father if I didn’t take control now. I’ll be eighteen this year, legal to be sent to much worse than juvie…and that’s when I took a step back and saw what it was doing to my mother. I was at fault for the dark circles under her eyes, the start of her graying hair, and the constant sob-fest I would hear when I stumbled into the house for a bite to eat in the late hours. I hated what ’I’d done to her. Hated myself even more that I had become a screw up for a son.

  Loud laughter brings me back to the pool, to a couple dunking each other and then chasing after the other, having fun. A feeling of envy settles deep in my chest with no idea why, but it’s there. I wonder to myself if they’re in love or are just going through the motions of life. Do they come from functional families? Were they brought up by loving parents? I can’t say those my age know what love is, but if they’re from a good background, there’s no doubt they know better than me.

  Shelly plops down beside me, bumping my shoulder with hers. “Wanna tell me what’s on your mind?”

  “Not really.”

  She leans her head against me, folding her hands between her thighs. “I wish I could change your mind.”

  I know what she means, and I feel like shit for disappointing her. Throwing an arm around her, I give her shoulder a slight squeeze. “I’m sorry, Shell. I really am.” I lean my head against hers. We’re both kicking our feet in the water in silence. It feels comfortable like this.

  Footsteps sound behind us and I know who it is without even looking. “Awww, this is so cute. It’s a Kodak moment.” Rich’s voice sends a surge of rage through me and my grip on her tightens—from protection or sheer control of my actions, I’m not sure.

  Shelly turns around to glare at him. “Get lost, asshole.”

  Rich skims her sexy swimsuit with a flash of hunger I don’t care to see and I want to punch him in the face. He places a hand over his heart, pretending to be offended, and says, “That really hurt.”

  “Yo, Rich,” Jeff calls out. “Quit wasting time flirting with Kyler’s girl. Get your ass over here.” His eyes shift over to me and he subtly nods. I nod back in gratitude. Jeff can be nice when he wants to be.

  Once he reluctantly leaves, Shelly and I get back in the pool for more swim time. I dunk her under a few times, which she gets me back and splashes me in the face. Her friends swim nearby, having fun, along with Brent. I find myself getting tired and ready to leave after an hour.

  “What now?” Shelly asks from the chair, watching me dry myself off. “I mean, where do we go from here?”

  My phone beeps in the pocket of my shorts on the chair and I reach for it, but she’s faster. “Shell, give me my phone.” I start to panic. God, if she reads any of Addie’s messages, she’ll become suspicious. I trip over the leg of the chair trying to get to her, and curse out loud when I hit my knee hard on the ground. “Goddamn it, Shell.”

  As I try to snatch it from her grip, she yanks it out of reach. Her eyes narrow, lips pinched together as she’s silently reading the message. She looks up at me. “Who is Addie?” I hear the hurt in her tone, but I don’t answer.

  I finally peel it from her hand, not bothering to read it now. I grab my shorts and trail through the back gate, calling over my shoulder, “I’m leaving, Brent.”

  “Text me later, Ky.” he replies and I barely nod before I take off.

  “Ky, wait.” Shelly follows me out to my truck, practically running to keep up with my quick strides. “Please.”

  I yank the door open and throw my shorts on the passenger seat, setting my phone in the console. I turn around to face her with both hands on my hips and snap. “What?” I’m more pissed about her going through my shit. I don’t tolerate anyone invading my privacy and she knew what she was doing. We’re not together and yet she felt it necessary to read my message like I was cheating on her with some other chick. This is why I don’t do the exclusive thing.

  I slide into the seat and reach for the door, but someone is blocking my way.

  Shelly stands there with a good grip on the door so I can’t close it. “Who is she?” Her foot lifts up to the step, resting against the side.

  I rest my head against the steering wheel, undecided of a response. I turn my head sideways to look at her as I mumble, “I’ve known her since I was eight.” I fold both arms on the wheel and rest my head with a sigh. I continue. “She was the first friend I ever made when I was in Texas.” My eyes close as a yawn slips out and I don’t bother covering my mouth. “Not that it’s any of your business,” I add before sitting up and leaning my back on the headrest.

  She looks away, biting her lip to keep from crying I’m guessing. “You’ve never told me about her.”

  I shrug a shoulder and look straight out the windshield. “Yeah, well, I haven’t told anyone about her.” Except Brent, I don’t say. And Addie is a part of my past I’ve tried to let go of but she doesn’t seem to want to let go of me. I wish she would. I’m not the same guy she knew, despite what my best friend seems to think. What makes him think I can help her? I can barely help myself. I shake my head so these thoughts would disappear.

  Shelly steps closer to me and my body stiffens as her peachy scent surrounds me, masking the cologne smell in the truck. I don’t look at her when she speaks. “Why won’t you give me a chance, Ky?” Her voice is soft and her fingers glide through my hair, almost putting me to sleep from the sensations on my scalp. It feels so good, I almost don’t ask her to stop. Don’t stop.

  I let my eyes drift shut, enjoying the feel of her touch, just for a minute. When her thumb brushes along my jaw, my eyes snap open—boring into hers—and I finally find my voice again. “Please don’t.” I force her hand away. “You knew from the beginning that I’m not one for relationships.”

  Her body presses into mine, and she leans down to kiss me on the lips. I’m too stunned to do anything but let her. She comes up for air to say, “You haven’t tried one. So how do you know they’re not for you?”

  That’s when I finally snap out of the spell she put me under and wrench her hands from my face, startling her. “Damn it, why can’t you accept that I don’t want a relationship with you?” I wipe all traces of Shelly from my lips. “I have to go.” I buckle my seat belt.

  She doesn’t hide the tears welling up in her eyes. “You’re such an asshole, Ky.” Her hand purposely smacks the side of my truck as she moves out of the way.

  I grip the door handl
e, pausing to look at her briefly. I hate that she’s hurting, but I can’t change how I feel. Or don’t feel, for that matter. “I’m sorry I’m not what you want me to be. But I know you’ll find someone better.” I shut the door and crank the engine, peeling out of the parking space. I blast my speakers, letting the music slice through my thoughts and the many voices in my head while guilt and confusion wage war within me as I drive home.

  Chapter Three

  I came home and changed clothes, not bothering to check on my mother. The house was dark so I assumed she was asleep. I’m lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the text Addie sent me. I’ve read the words over and over again, so many times, I can recite it from memory. I roll onto my side and read the message one more time.

  Addie: I know I we haven’t talked in quite a while. I don’t know if I did something or if we just grew apart. Either way, I’m going through some personal stuff right now and have no one to talk to. I need my friend. And ummm, I sort of made plans to come visit you. Please call me or text me back, at least.

  A knock on the door startles me, making me wonder if one of my drunken friends has made their way to my house, even though I’m pretty sure it’s not them. I can tell it’s my mom from the faint sound she always makes when knocking, as if she’s afraid to bother me.

  Unlocking the door, I pull it open to let my mom inside before shutting it again and re-locking it. “What are you doing awake?” Is my way of greeting, as I yawn again, wishing my mind would shut down so I could sleep.

  She sits on my bed, patting the spot next to her. I do sit, though I can tell she’s here for a reason and not just to ask her son how he’s feeling these days. We haven’t had those talks in a while. She hesitates before speaking and my mind automatically goes to my dad. I feel rage take hold of my limbs. If he hurt her or made her cry in any way and she didn’t tell me, I’ll kill him. “Stop, Ky.” Her hand pushes down on my knee, which is bouncing up and down uncontrollably. “Focus, honey.”